I broke it off .. would say broke up but that's not the right phrase we were more "friends with benefits" more then anything. I fell for him and in the end broke almost all of my beliefs, did just about everything I said I never would do.
I thought I loved him but with the help of great friends realized I cannot love someone when I don't even love myself. Which was a huge eye opener for me. It made me realize I was only with him to feel that void that I felt.
I have spent almost a year beating myself up for even being in this type of relationship. But, not once did I ever do or change anything about it. I let it go on I didn't let how I felt about the situation be known by this person. So the pain and hurt I went through I blame myself for not speaking up when I should have. although I am sure he knew how I felt or at least guessed cause he couldn't of really known for sure unless I had opened my mouth and told him. And for that I hate myself or at least did at first. But, now I have learned that the most important thing in any relationship, is let your feelings be known and if the person can't handle that then maybe it's best that relationship does not exist at all.
Had it not been for my friend last month and many friends since I broke it off I think I be right back with this guy. I am so glad for those friends that remind me what I want is not him and that the relationship I had with him was built souly on physical aspects. Most of all I am so glad that my friends allow me to talk to them and express my feelings on the whole thing even though listening to it may open old wounds for them. For that I am sorry but, I don't know how I would get through this without you there pushing me to.
I know that I deserve so much better and that I NEED to stop settling for less than I deserve. I need a relationship where me and the guy actually care and eventually love each other. Where we have things in common and can hold on conversation for more then two seconds. I need a guy that loves me for me, not for the person he wants me to be. For now though I need a break to find out what a want and figure out who I am before I can go looking for someone that I expect to love me for who I am.
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